Day One

“Stop comparing yourself to others. You are beautiful and perfect just the way you are. And so so worth loving in this moment.”

OK, so this should be quite an easy one for the first day.  I’m not 100% sure if I am feeling beautiful as I have sick down one side of my body from and explosive vom session from this morning but it can be rectified. So that is what I am going to do. I am going to have a shower. Can I have a shower? He’s waking up so probably not right now, maybe I’ll try that later.

Everyone always says how beautiful it is to be pregnant. I hated it. Everything changed. From the baby brain to the fat feet. From the weight gain to the bad teeth. This was something I did really struggle with. I knew there would be huge changes but it is so hard to actually accept them when it happens. I have managed to lose all my baby weight, which is amazing. I think that was mainly down to stress and constant picking up, bending over, rocking my entire body to try and send him to sleep, but I did eventually get back to my normal size. My baby brain is still there, and it is a nightmare! I didn’t have much common sense to begin with but now? It’s so bad, it’s embarrassing ! The biggest change that I am still upset about are my teeth, my baby boy took everything and my teeth have now got gaps, receding gums and aren’t as straight as they used to be. Fortunately I can use my free dental care which I am taking full advantage of to try and get them back to normal. It is so hard to feel beautiful when all these changes have happened and are still happening.

My sister got married at the weekend. I definitely felt beautiful then . I am going to look back over those photos and see how beautiful I looked on the day . That was such a lovely day. My sister looked like a princess, I was so proud. Bit of an awkward moment when walking down the aisle next to another bridesmaid, I completely lost it and was trying to stop my chin from wobbling and also not to fall over,  those photos are going to look great..! But, we all got pampered in the morning and I too felt like a Princess. Having my hair and makeup done made me feel 10 times better than I ever thought. It was amazing to watch my sister get ready and waiting when she went to change into her dress. Everything was beautiful and perfect. I didn’t have one second when I felt sad. This was a day to celebrate. The whole day was just incredible, we were so lucky with the weather. We had all been watching the weather forecast for weeks and it was not looking good at all. But, the Gods were definitely on our side and it couldn’t have been any better. I got burnt, but who cares?

I can look at those photos over and over again. My little boy looked like a Prince. He had a suit to match his Dad and it just makes my heart melt seeing them together .

OK, that worked . Even as I sit in my jammies smelling of sick I feel better. Maybe I’ll try and make some time and book in for a pampering. Time on my own was good. It was really good. Being able to leave my little man with his Dad for the day did take a massive weight of my shoulders. I had always said I would stop breastfeeding at three months, and with the PND I did start to struggle to produce milk to feed him. I gave it my best shot and unfortunately it did have to come to an end. I don’t necessarily feel that any bond has been lost, I can still feed him and we still have feed time together. My boobs just feel so much better and oh my god, they are a normal size again. That makes me feel beautiful.

Ah! He’s finally napping. I might actually get dressed , I mean it is two o’clock in the afternoon.

I do enjoy our jammie days but they do end up being a bit smelly and that’s definitely not beautiful. But, spending the day with my son is. And that is what I have come to realise today . I’m a Mum. That is the most beautiful thing in the world. I cherish the time I have with my little man as one day he will be big enough to start his own journey without me . Nothing is perfect and it never will be but that’s OK. Every moment we have together is definitely worth loving and I have my son to thank for that. He makes me feel beautiful.

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