“Make a list of five things you love doing. Make it a point to include them in your life as much as you possibly can. You’ll thank yourself for it.”
I’m finding it really hard to find five things that I love doing. It’s hard to find anything when I’m feeling so down. What did I enjoy doing before I had a baby? Maybe I should look back to then and remember what I loved to do.
Before the baby, my partner and I had a date jar. We had both written down 25 dates each, folded them up and placed them into a rather exciting looking pot that I had made on one of our holidays. It has fishes on it. I think it’s rather special. We then took turns each week to pick out a date and we would then do said date. That is one thing that I do miss. It stopped when I got pregnant as you can’t do anything while pregnant. But then again, I’m finding that you can’t really do a lot with a small human. I miss time with my partner. That is one thing that I love doing. Spending time with him. We used to do quite a lot of things together and I wish we could start doing that again. That will be no.1 on my list. I will make sure that we start date night again.
I was a social butterfly before I was pregnant, always up for a glass of wine after work, always up for meeting friends on a Sunday for the week’s low down. And that all changed as soon as I became pregnant. I couldn’t’ go out after work. But, I could go out on a Sunday, but only for an hour as I got so tired and miserable therefore I missed the gossip and the random chat. It’s not like I don’t see them at all, I just don’t see them properly with baby in tow. And even though I know that they enjoy seeing the little man, I feel that sometimes they wish I came without baby, came without the “hang on he’s pooed”, came without the “oh hang on, he needs feeding”, came without the “I should probably take him home now”. It’s really hard to maintain that friendship when you now come with an extra person and it is difficult to stay sociable and even more so, want to stay sociable. Since having a baby, it’s been clear who still wants to be my friend, I mean growing old you do drift away from friends and you make new friends, you get married, you move away, you start a family. People who stay with you throughout all of that are the ones to keep hold of, and it doesn’t matter if I turn up to lunch an hour late with poo all over my leg. I really, really value friendship, they are extended family and you know that they will be there for you. So, no.2 on my list will be making sure I take time out to see my friends, as I love my friends, and I love the time we spend together.
Other than being a Mum, I do have a job which I will go back to early next year. I am a manager of a Shoe concession in a large department store and I love it. I love my job, I love my team , I love the store and I love the products that we sell, so much so that I pretty much own half of it. I really enjoy fashion and am so pleased that I landed the job I’m in. I’ve been working for the company for two and a half years and I can’t picture myself anywhere else. Every day is different and it’s great to receive in all the new products and check out all the new season stock. I absolutely love the customer interaction, I mean I get to talk fashion all day to everyone and anyone! I’ve missed buying fashion magazines and folding over the pages of all the designer clothes to put on my wish list. I need to make time to do this again. Not just to keep up with trends or any of that, but to give five minutes to myself to sit down and enjoy something. My job isn’t my No.3 on my list, it’s fashion. I think my No.3 will be to make an effort again. I love to dress up and I absolutely adore shoes, so from now I will dress up every day. This not only will fulfil my list of loves, but it will also relate back to my Day One of feeling beautiful.
My family is a huge part of my life. I moved away from home to the city around six years ago. It’s not too far so I can easily visit whenever I can. I get so excited when I go home, near enough all of my family live in the country and also my partner’s family do. We love to visit and they enjoy it when we come down too, especially now that we have the little man in tow. It’s also a great excuse to pass the baby over to relax for half an hour! I always used to call home once or twice a week and speak to my parents. It was always when was I walking home from work, so I had a good 45 minutes for a catch up, and to also make my walk back not so painfully long! My calls home stopped when I went on maternity leave. Like I have said previously, I hated being pregnant, and when I was home all day every day, I sat on my arse and did nothing. It was so boring. I didn’t want to speak to anyone or see anyone as I was fat and miserable and couldn’t be bothered to be positive. I definitely had had enough of being pregnant. But , I felt so bad when I realised I hadn’t spoken to my parents for around 2 weeks. That has never happened. Ever. Since the baby, I have seen them a lot more which makes me feel great , and the little man loves his visits to see his grandparents. My sister lives in a city the other side of my parents, so I don’t get to see her as much, but we do get to talk on the phone as often as we can. It feels weird when I haven’t had a weird text/snapchat/close up photo of her eyeball in a day, so we make an effort to make sure we do these things regularly. She has been amazing since I started with PND , she’s my best friend. Even though this is something I continue to do, I will still have it as my No.4. I want to make sure that I continue this much contact with my family, and also my partner’s family. Not just for us, but for the little man who is changing and growing every day. I don’t want them to miss that. I love them , the little man loves them, and I know they love me. That’s what keeps me going.
I absolutely adore my son. He is my world. I can’t even begin to imagine my life without him in it. In all honesty , I do find every day very hard to get through but that doesn’t stop me loving him. He can be an absolute pickle but I guess that’s all part of the journey. I have found being a Mum a very difficult change to my lifestyle and there have been times where I think “what if?”, but then when he looks at me and smiles, I instantly forget any bad thought. It is a repetitive cycle of feeding, changing, trying to stop the screaming, napping, washing, cleaning and finding five minutes to sit down before it all starts over again. It is draining. It’s draining emotionally and some days I don’t even want to leave the house. Most days I do just want to sit in a room by myself and cry. Most days I feel bad because I haven’t even washed my partner’s pants. Most days I forgot to eat. Most days I can feel my soul slowly disappearing. But, every day my son smiles. Every day my son laughs. Every day my son relies on me. Every day my son loves me. And every day I love my son. No.5 on my list is to do something different with my son every day. He loves me for who I am and I love him unconditionally.