Day Four

Day Four

“Don’t spend so much time trying to work on and improve your weaknesses that you forget to honour your strengths. How are you strong?”

This is hard. So hard. I do not feel strong at all, in any way. I keep reading and re-reading today’s title and I just can’t find anything.

Today’s title has set me back.

What can I do today to find my strengths? What makes me strong? I can pick up heavy objects, but I guess I can’t use that one..

Every time my little man cries, I feel weak. When I can’t seem to stop him crying, I feel weak. When he won’t settle, I feel weak. When I haven’t been able to tidy the house, when I haven’t been able to do any washing, when I haven’t even been able to have a shower, I feel weak. But, when I have managed to stop him crying, and make him laugh, I don’t feel weak. When I have tidied one room of the house, I do get a feeling of accomplishment.

This morning, my little man did not want to have a sleep. He has his morning nap around 9 o’clock , about an hour after breakfast. It is now 11 o’clock and he has finally settled down. Through the tears, I was singing Disney songs for around half an hour, stroking his head, and rocking him so much that I think I have gained abs. I did feel weak because it was tiring, it was repetitive and why wasn’t he sleeping? What was I doing wrong? But, I did it, and wasn’t a weakness because it took so long, it’s because he is growing, wants to stay awake and play, and is a little pickle. When he first went down, I managed to tidy up a bit. I didn’t sit down and feel deflated, I made myself get up and carry on. That was strength. I want to beat this depression. I want to beat it for myself, for my partner and especially for my son. That to me is strength.

I mean it is going to take a long time for me to get better but I want to get better so bad. And it’s hard. Even as I’m writing, I just want to lie down and do absolutely nothing, but why? What would that actually achieve?

I don’t think I’ve really ever been a strong person. I have social anxiety which makes it really difficult for me to meet new people. Which is strange as my job involves talking to so many new people every day, but I guess it’s about things I know, things I have been trained to talk about. This is one of the reasons I haven’t joined any mother and baby groups. The thought of it absolutely petrifies me. I like what I know and who I know. I think for today I will try and sign up to one of these groups. No, not try, I will sign up, and I will go. To me that shows some strength. As I said before, I have to do this now for my son. It’s not all about me anymore. I have to be strong for him.

He’s just woken up. It’s only been 20 minutes!! Its play time!

One thing I need to tell myself is that I am a strong person. Especially now as I’ve finally opened up about my depression. I feel brave, and I feel strong. For anyone who is reading this, I’ve come to learn that strength comes from within, strength comes from being around people who make you feel special, strength is being depended on. When I look at my son, he sees me as the strong, confident woman I wish to be, that I am going to be.

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