Day Five

Day Five.

“When you feel uncomfortable about someone or something, acknowledge it. Don’t push it aside. Create boundaries and enforce them”.

I feel uncomfortable 95% of the time. I have anxiety , so I worry all of the time. As I have said before, my social anxiety stops me doing quite a lot of things but some days/ today I want to try and change.

I have always found it quite hard to arrange meeting friends. In an Ideal world, I want to stay in and not see anyone, but I know that just isn’t good for me and my son. He needs to get out of the house; I need to get out of the house. I find it uncomfortable when I make plans and they get cancelled, I know people are busy but I find it really difficult to deal with. Why have they cancelled? Is it because I now come with a baby? Don’t they want to see me because of this? How I am supposed to react when they cancel on me?

Having this depression has taken hold of my life. Everything that happens I question it. I can’t be OK with anything. I have always believed that everything happens for a reason. But most of the time, I don’t know the reason, and I spend my day trying to figure it out. I can’t feel good about a friend cancelling as I think it’s about me, whatever their excuse, I think it’s something to do with me. And every time I push it aside. What sort of boundaries do I set for that?

As I have mentioned before, friends are a huge part of my life, and I love each and every one of them. But, there are times when I feel if they feel the same way. I know that what I am suffering from is difficult, especially when they don’t actually know what’s going on, but this is something that I have to overcome. It’s hard to understand and to relate to, and this is what makes me feel anxious and uncomfortable when something like this happens.

Pretty much everything makes me feel uncomfortable. Luckily I have an amazing partner who makes things easier, makes me feel at ease, makes me feel happy. When he’s home at the weekend, I can actually relax. He understands, he helps. But, when he is back at work, I have no idea what to do. Who can I talk to about why I have got so upset about the wifi not working, or dropping a fork?

I feel uncomfortable being honest about my feelings to my friends. This is why I wanted to start writing my story as it’s easier for me to write down what’s going on rather than talking about it. I know I need to work on this, and luckily I have a great group of friends who are beginning to help, and also I have begun to realise who I can rely on. Being able to have the confidence to confide in someone is a big step, and the people around me that love me , have shown me just that. That they are friends for a reason. Through thick and thin they will be there.

From today, I am going to try and be more honest. Try to be less anxious about how I am feeling, be more comfortable with the people around me that care. Because they care about me just as much as I care about them.

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