Day Six

Day Six.

“Take a leap of faith. Do that thing that you’ve been afraid to do. Believe that you will succeed. Believe that you are worthy.”

I’m afraid of failing. This crosses my mind every single second of every single day. I’m still so new at being a mum. I still don’t really know what I’m doing. I’m still really sad.

My little man means the absolute world to me and I want to make sure that he has the best life possible. I am pushing myself so hard that I’m falling apart over it. I want to be a great mum. I want to be positive , I want my boy to know that I’ve tried my best.

This relates back to when I was talking about people giving me advice. I’m always afraid that they are giving it to me because I’m not doing a good job. That I am failing. There is always something that happens every day that I question myself. Should he be making that noise? Why is he making that noise? Why won’t he sleep? Ever?? And it’s a hard thing when I am at home by myself all day. So many things run through my mind with every thing that I do with my son. Why isn’t he grabbing things yet? It says on Google that he should be grabbing things. Why isn’t he rolling over? It says on Google that he should be rolling over by now. It is hard to not look online about any queries, and then I query myself. Query my mothering skills, or lack of.

I love the time I have with my son every day. I love watching him play. I love watching him learn. But, is he taking longer than others? It’s a continuous cycle of the same questions that go round and round in my head and it drives me mad. But I can’t help but worry about these things. My role as his Mum is to nurture, play and teach. I need to make sure that I am doing every thing correctly. Every thing. Every big or small thing. Making sure he is fed correctly, making sure he is burped correctly, making sure he’s dressed correctly, making sure his nappy is on correctly. It doesn’t end. It’s stressful. And it’s even more stressful when I feel I am not doing it correctly. I don’t wait to fail him. I want to make sure that he has every thing he needs. That he is happy.

I see so many new mums and I find myself really watching what they are like with their little ones. Do I do that ? Should I do that? Why don’t I do that? Being a new mum is very overwhelming and I do find my days very difficult to get through. I am still finding myself passing my son over to my partner the minute he steps through the door. I know he wants to see him. But should I be giving up so easy? I can’t wait to be able to have a wee by myself. Have a shower. Have five minutes. Is this failing? Should I be with my son 24/7? Is that what he wants from me?

No.

My son needs to bond with his father as much as he bonds with me. My son needs me to have a clear head so it’s OK for me to take five minutes. My son needs me to be happy. Even though at times it feels like I am failing, I’m not. I’m learning. It’s hard but I have to tell myself that it’s still new, it’s doesn’t come easy, I am not failing.

I believe if my son is happy, then I’m NOT failing. I WILL succeed at being the best mum for him. I WILL succeed in making him happy. I WILL succeed at being happy.

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