Day Seven

Day Seven.

“Stop being so hard on yourself. When you make a mistake, grow from the experience and then move on. The hard stuff makes you wise.”

I can not move on from making a mistake. I can not move on from what ever happens. I talk and talk about it until I am blue in the face. I don’t think I am capable of moving on from something. I always think about things, I worry about things. I find it hard to accept that something has happened and I have to deal with the outcome. It’s really difficult to understand that I worry about the small things that I shouldn’t do. I feel awful that my partner has to deal with me on a day to day basis when I am talking about absolute rubbish that has no massive impact on my life, and I am making a huge deal about it.

I find it hard when my baby cries. I mean, I have fed him. I have changed him. I have played with him. He’s had a nap. Why is he crying? What haven’t I done right? There must be something, otherwise he wouldn’t be crying, right?

Most days I do have a bit of a cry because I still don’t understand my life with a baby. It’s a tough job. Every day there will be something that I have felt bad about. It’s really hard to say to my head to stop being hard on myself, because how can I? He is crying for a reason, and that’s most probably down to me not doing something right.

It’s difficult to watch when my partner comes home, and my little one laughs and smiles and it seems easy. Why have I not had this all day? Why is he being upset with me? What am I doing wrong?

I try everything. Everything. Tummy time, reading stories, singing, playing with toys, playing on his mat. And some days nothing works. I don’t understand. Why is nothing working? Why does this change when my partner comes home? Do I bore him ? Doesn’t he like me?

The days he laughs with me, smiles at me are just amazing and its then I say to myself that its OK, that I’m doing an OK job. But, as soon as there is a bad day, it feels like they outweigh the good ones.

They don’t though and I am being too hard on myself because I don’t know what I’m doing. Every day is different. He’s learning and growing and so am I.

I know that one day I’ll look back at this and be like “What?!” , but it is hard right now and only I can change the way I feel about it.

And the only way I can do this, is to be more positive about things. Be more confident. Be stronger as a person, as a Mum. Having a baby is a beautiful thing, and seeing them grow into their own person is an amazing feeling. That’s a good job well done, and I can’t be hard on myself for that, I need to pat myself on the back.

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