Day Eleven

Day Eleven.

“Stay away from people who add nothing but drama to your life. Send them on their way. You’ll be happier for it. Don’t put up with other people’s shit”.

It’s been really difficult to be honest about my depression. It’s been really difficult being honest with my friends. It’s been really difficult realising who my friends actually are.

I’ve written before about I find it hard to come to terms with people cancelling on me. It’s definitely an anxiety issue, but I’ve seen it happen more and more since having a baby. It must be difficult for people who invite me out, and I now come with a little human who needs constant entertaining. Needs my attention a lot more than I will give my friend.

My friends don’t care I’m now a mum. My friends will invite me out because they want to see my baby. They want to ask how I am. They are interested. These people I know I will have in my life for a very long time. These were the people who I opened up to as soon as I felt strong enough. Because I know they wont judge me. They won’t act as if nothing has happened and talk about something completely irrelevant to either of our lives. They care.

It’s definitely not one of those things where I want to constantly talk about my life, my life with a baby, my life with depression. Because I want to know about their world too. And they know when to ask and when to not. They’re considerate.

And it is hard to stay positive all the time and I do have to cancel now and again when I am having a particularly bad day. But they make sure that we re-arrange. They will want to re-arrange.

I can understand why people drift when babies get involved. It’s really hard to maintain a relationship with someone who before all you did was drink wine and go dancing. Now there is nothing in common. So why would they want to meet up with me? What on earth do I have to talk about that interests them? It’s too stressful when it’s not easy. I have to tell myself that friendships don’t always last forever, however much I try and keep them going.

What I have learnt is that if they want to meet me, then they will. If they don’t, they won’t. I do not have the mental strength to chase after people that aren’t bothered. I’m trying to get better. I’m trying to be happy. Why would I waste my energy on people that don’t obviously matter?

It’s so difficult , but I have to really think about if I need these sort of people in my life. Does my son want me to have relationships that leave me in tears each week there is a cancellation. It’s not fair.

I’ve basically got to grow up and cut them out. They are not worth it.

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