Day Twelve

Day Twelve.

“Acknowledge your efforts. See that you have done your best. Even if you have failed to produce the right results, you’re still trying. That’s beautiful”.

I haven’t written for a few days as I have not been feeling great. I have good days and bad days, and I’ve had a couple of the bad ones. It’s hard to try and write when everything is feeling so negative. But, I should be writing as this the whole point of getting myself better. I will try. I will try my best.

This is a difficult one to talk about. What efforts do I need to acknowledge? Have I done my best?

It’s been really tricky the past couple of days as it’s been so hot and my little man has not been coping through it at all. It’s been tough to try and soothe him, keep him cool and try to get him to sleep. The poor little mite gets to sleep then is so uncomfortable that he wakes straight back up again. I’ve tried everything from opening all of the windows, giving him cold milk and even laying him on a cool mat. But he still struggles to settle. This is heart breaking as I don’t know what to do. At all.

It makes me so sad seeing him in so much discomfort. I’ve been reading everything on how to cool your baby and tried everything. I’ve been trying to keep him happy so at least he doesn’t have a meltdown and get even hotter.  I can’t even take him outside as it’s just so hot. So we both have cabin fever.

I’m just as hot and just as miserable.

Luckily he is having a nap now. Every window and door is opened and that seems to be working.

When the little man came home, it was wonderful. We were all living in our own little bubble. We were happy. When he started getting bigger, opening his eyes for longer, staying awake for longer, it became tough. I dreaded every night when we went to bed. I knew I would not be sleeping. At all. Would I ever sleep again? But, waking up every hour to look after him was what he wanted. Everything I did was for what he wanted or needed. If I didn’t do it, who would? He relies on me to give him life.

It started to take its toll when one night I only had an hours sleep and I felt that I couldn’t do it. Mentally and physically I was drained. Now I had to spend the day entertaining him, as well as doing the cleaning, washing up and the laundry that hadn’t been done for a week. I couldn’t cope. What was I supposed to do? How can I do everything? There just isn’t enough time in the day.

I love my son. I love every day I get to have with him. He doesn’t understand that when he doesn’t have his nap, I go a bit crazy. Because he shouldn’t have to. I’m here to look after him, to care for him. Whatever I’m feeling, he comes first. He will always come first. And I know he loves everything I do for him, whatever that is.

He is nearly 18 weeks old now and I am still learning with him. There are songs he likes and songs he cries at. I am starting to understand the different cries he makes to what he wants.

If he won’t nap, it’s OK. He will eventually. Housework can wait. If I get to spend more time with my son, he will be happy and that’s what I need to keep telling myself. He’s happy because of me, because of what I do for him and what we do together.

I am doing my best to be the best mum for him, to give him the best life, to make him happy.

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