Day Thirteen

Day Thirteen.

“Nurture your dreams, even if they don’t seem possible right now, don’t give up on them. It doesn’t mean they won’t ever happen”.

Right now, it really feels like there isn’t ever going to be an end to how my life is, and how I am feeling, however I wouldn’t change anything at all with my little one.

I’m a great believer in everything happens for a reason. But sometimes I wonder what I have done wrong to feel the way I do. Did I miss something during my pregnancy? Did I not follow the first time mum guidelines correctly? Why? Why me? And because of this, it really is hard to see an end.

I’ve been working really hard on my days of self love, and I have been incorporating them into my life. I’ve been more confident in admitting how I am feeling, which makes things slightly easier, but also at the same time, quite a bit harder. It is definitely a circle of emotions every single day.

Obviously my main dream here is to be happy. To be an amazing Mum to my son. To be the girl my partner fell in love with. But it’s baby steps. I can’t do everything at once. It’s a very long, slow process. However, I am not going to give up on this. It’s not just about me, it’s about my family. My little family that I was so excited to start.

Some days I do feel like I’ve failed my partner in how I am feeling. And it is so difficult to try and explain why I am feeling I am. Sometimes I don’t even know why. Sometimes I just don’t tell him. Sometimes I busy myself so I don’t have to think about it. It’s so stressful. I stress myself out more by worrying what he is going to think of me. Will he get it? Will he understand? Will he still love me? These things go around and around in my head on a day to day basis, and sometimes it feels like they will never go away.

I am trying to persevere. Most days I am soldiering on. Ignoring the little niggles I have. I have to be positive. I know I won’t feel like this forever. It’s just hard trying to actually convince myself that.

When I look at my little boy, I can see the light. He is a very healthy and incredibly happy boy. That is something I should be proud of. My partner and I have done that.

And that’s the dream which I will never give up on. Raising my boy.

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