Day Fourteen

Day Fourteen.

“Know that you have the right to change your mind and you have the right to say no. Don’t feel guilty about it. Ever. Always stand up for and look after yourself”.

I feel bad when I say no. I feel bad when I say yes and I actually want to say no. I am not confident to say no. After a night of no sleep, being asked to go out, yes. After a day of feeling like I want to crawl into a dark hole and live there, being asked to meet up, yes. After not knowing anything about anything anymore, being asked to do something, yes.

I don’t like letting people down. In fact, I hate it. I would rather meet up feeling the way I do than cancelling and saying no. I’d do anything for my friends and family, regardless of any situation. And, it is hard to say no. So hard. But the more times I say yes, the more tired and anxious I become. If I were to say no I would have a meltdown. What would they think of me if I said no? Would it be ok if I said no? I can’t risk finding out, so I don’t. I make myself a yes person.

It’s the same when it comes to the baby. Can you take him? Yes. Can you feed him? Yes. Can you put him to sleep? Yes. Sometimes I want to say no. Sometimes I have had enough. Sometimes I just want to be a human again for five minutes. But I cant. I can never say no. My baby needs me to be a yes person. But being a yes person is just too much hard work. I can’t be a yes person forever can I?

I hate even thinking about saying no, especially when it’s about my little one. I feel like I need to pretend being a yes person is for the best. But is it really? Is being a yes person good for me? Is being a yes person good for him?

I am finding this hard to try and figure out what can be best for everyone. What I need to do to make it all OK. And I do feel guilty when I say no. when my partner asks if I can take the little man and I say no, I feel like I want to hit myself. Why am I saying no? Why don’t I want to take him?

So many questions as to why saying no would be better than being a yes person.

Being a yes person can be rewarding, it can be positive, it can help. But it can also be draining, especially when suffering with depression. It’s too much extra stress that I don’t need. Saying no is OK. Saying yes all the time and suffering in silence about it, isn’t.

This is something I will need to work on, it won’t happen overnight. I need to be honest about this. And I don’t need to beat myself up over it.

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