Day Fifteen

Day Fifteen.

“Let yourself be creative and don’t sabotage yourself by thinking that whatever you’re doing is not good enough. We’re all artists at heart. Find your mojo”.

I definitely lost my mojo as soon as I found out I was pregnant. Everything changed. Everything. I worried about anything and everything , you know, just in case. I was a different person. I had to stop my lifestyle immediately. I became boring.

I became boring because I was worried. I didn’t know what was going on inside me and I didn’t want to jeopardise anything. When I started my leave, I stayed in. All the time.  Because I didn’t know. It was all new to me. I had created something, but I didn’t know what yet. I wanted to keep them safe in their little bubble before it was their time to come out.

I have written before about feeling not good enough. Not knowing if I am raising my little one the correct way, not following the same patterns as Google tells me to do. And as I have said before, the way I raise my son, is my way. If he is happy then I am doing a good job.

Sometimes though, it can feel as though I am not doing a good job. I had a bad night last night where my little one didn’t settle and I therefore did not get a good nights sleep. Why wasn’t he settling? Had I missed something when putting him to sleep? Was his routine not right? I just didn’t know. And it is a sense of failure, and I do doubt myself on many occasions. I don’t know what I am doing. Still. Having a baby is hard. It’s a huge life change and it’s not easy.

I am still finding myself googling into the middle of night. Getting more and more confused with so many different answers to the same question and going cross eyed.

I created this human. He is a part of me and a part of my other half. We both had the mojo to make such a beautiful baby. A healthy baby. A happy baby.

There’s always the worry in the back of my mind that I’m doing something wrong. I make a conscious effort to make my baby smile every second of every day. I enjoy making him smile. He makes me smile. He makes me forget the bad days. There is no way I can look at him and feel sad. He is amazing. My partner and I made him. We are amazing.

I know my mojo is still there. And there are times where it does make an appearance. My good days are really good, and I forget all about the bad. It just takes one thing. One small thing to trigger my downfall and that’s when my mojo disappears.

I don’t want to be that boring pregnant lady anymore. I want to move on in my new life with my baby and my partner and be happy. Because I can be, and I will be. I will get my mojo back, and I will enjoy the time trying to find it, and to keep it. Because if I can create something so wonderful, what else can I do?

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