Day Seventeen

Day Seventeen.

“Look at yourself in the mirror. See through new eyes. Let go of judgements. Love what you see. Admire every part of your gorgeous body. It’s fucking beautiful”.

I’ve been putting off writing this for a few days as I can’t think of anything positive that I want to say when looking at my reflection.

My body has changed so much since having a baby. From my face to my toes. And I have found it a massive struggle to come to terms with. I can’t see why it’s beautiful. I don’t know why. I don’t know what I can do to see that it is.

I don’t take compliments well. My partner always assures me that I look beautiful. After every outfit change, after slapping on a ton of makeup, after having a wash, even first thing in the morning. But I don’t see it. I can’t see it.

Everything has changed. Everything.

It’s hard to look at myself and see something beautiful. At the moment I hate what I see. I still have some baby weight left which kills me. I have managed to squeeze into my pre-prego jeans, but with a muffin top, and lets be honest, no one wants to see that. I pinch my fat all day long. I wiggle in front of the mirror. I constantly need some reassurance but I know that whatever I’m wearing is not OK. I am always changing what I am wearing. You can see my tummy. My jeans are too tight. I’m looking like I’ve tried too hard. It’s stressful.

When I’m off on a night out, the whole day I am anxious. How can I go out with people who are so damn good looking? I can’t be in photos. I look like a joke. I’m tired. However much makeup I put on, you can still see the bags under my eyes, the stress lines, the dull eyes.

There are so many things that I want to change. I want to feel like myself again.

I have joined a yoga class with a friend, I am starting the gym with another, I am trying to eat healthier. Not only do I want to look good again, I want to feel good again.

I know that it is going to take time. It is going to take time to get my body back. It is going to take time to feel like myself again. It is going to take time to be more confident. And I have to understand that. Nothing happens as quick as a click of the fingers.

I have had a baby.

Having a baby is an amazing thing. My body had to look after him. My body had to change to make sure he was growing as well as he could do. All my stretch marks, the extra bit of fat, the gap in my teeth, is all because my body was giving my baby what he needed. My body has done amazing, incredible things and that’s what I have to show for it. How I look is because I have made something beautiful . Each stretch mark is beautiful. Each pinch of fat is beautiful. Because without them, I wouldn’t have made him as perfect as he is.

I look in the mirror and I see a mum. Someone who is strong. Someone who despite the lack of sleep, keeps going. Someone who will make sure their little one is safe. Someone who whatever the feeling, gives the little man smiles.

I don’t think you can get more fucking beautiful than that.

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