Day Twenty

Day Twenty.

“Stop apologizing for who you are and the things that aren’t your fault. Embrace who you are. Love who you are. No need for apologies”.

I say sorry all the time. All the time. My partner tells me off when I apologise. But I can’t help it. I feel like I have done something wrong on a daily basis. I apologise when he comes home and I haven’t washed up. Because that is my fault. I apologise when I haven’t hoovered. Because that is my fault. I apologise when I haven’t washed his work clothes. Because that is my fault.

I am at home all day. I have tried to put some sort of routine in to place with my little one, and the majority of the time it works. I know I have about 45 minutes in the morning to give the kitchen a clean, do the washing up, stock up on bottles ready for the rest of the day and put a wash on. I know I have an hour at lunchtime so I hang washing up, I tidy the living room, sometimes I remember to have lunch. I know I have an hour at 4pm so I watch Tipping Point. By then I have no energy left. I just want to sit down and be human.

Other days, the routine goes out the window. And in all honesty that just stresses me out. And I worry. If we have a day date, or go to a baby group, or visit family, I 100% have a full blown anxiety attack in the morning because I know I won’t get things done. So obviously, I need to apologise about it. I believe that this is my job. I believe that because I am at home, I need to do housework. No one has told me that I have to, I  just feel that I have to. I need to not only look after the baby, but I need to look after the house. And I feel awful when I haven’t done something.

I apologise when I don’t feel well. I apologise when I’m tired. I apologise if I go out. I apologise if I stay in.

I think with my anxiety, I do worry. I worry about everything. And since having a baby, I swear it is 10 times worse. I can’t help it. I can’t control it. I want to be superwoman and be able to do everything in a minute. But I cant. And I punish myself for it.

I have to remind myself that my little man is my priority and he will always come first. If there is a pile of towels in the laundry basket that have been there for a decade, that can wait. If there are two plates to wash up, that can wait. If I haven’t hung up any clean washing and my partner has to dive in to find socks, I don’t need to apologise, at least they’re clean. I shouldn’t have to apologise about anything if I have spent my day with my boy, making him happy.

I am going to find it hard to stop apologising because that is my anxiety creeping out. I’m a worrier. Always have been, and always will. But that is OK.

I love spending the day with my boy. I love watching him grow, watching him learn, watching him laugh. And that’s all that matters, right? There’s no need to apologise about that.

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