Day Twenty One

Day Twenty One.

“Do something today to make your living space a little more sacred to you. Carve out a special place for yourself. Decorate in ways that make you happy”.

There is no space in my home to make more sacred to me. Every bit of space in every room has baby in it. Toys, clothes, toys, pushchair, toys, bathtime bits, toys, changing mats, bags filled with toys. There is no space for me. My things are covered with baby things. Even my clothes that are in the wash, are over powered by baby clothes. Even when I’m having a wee, I’m staring at a baby bath with a plastic, orange fish sat on it. He has so much stuff.

A special place for myself is the time I have with my friends. Because I need them. And when I am with them, they make me happy.

I never really realised how important my friends are until I realised I need them more than anything. A text, a phone call, meeting up for lunch means absolutely everything to me. Everything.

Having depression is a difficult thing to think about. I still don’t believe I can actually , really have it. It’s a time where everything hurts. My brain hurts. My body hurts. My emotions hurt. Anything can trigger the hurt. And it’s difficult to talk about. It’s embarrassing to talk about. I don’t want to talk about it. Ever. Because does anyone really want to hear about my sad life? How I spent all morning staring out the window while baby slept? How I made three cups of tea and forgetting to drink any of them, and then running out of milk to actually make another? But, my girls do. They want to know.  And I never really understood that I could actually be happy again until I spend time with them. To forget about those three cups of tea. To forget about the carpet that is covered in my hair, because being sad basically makes all my hair fall out. To forget that I haven’t showered in two days.

But to remember the good things. To remember that I am still me. To remember that I am human and I have feelings that I can share. To remember that even though I now come with a baby, that is OK, they want to see him too. He’s a part of our group now and they love that. I love that.

I went to a BBQ at the weekend to one of my closet friend’s house and it was a lovely afternoon. The little man and I got to spend the whole afternoon with the team and it was just great. Feelings of hurt vanished. Feelings of sad vanished. They are an amazing bunch of people and I am so grateful to have such wonderful people in my life. I don’t think they realise how important they are to me. How much their friendship means to me. How much they heal me.

I am always anxious about my depression. Anxious that it’ll come up in conversation, leading me back into my dark place, anxious that i’m being judged. But they don’t judge. They don’t delve too deep. They don’t push. We talk about normal things, holidays, work, relationships, food. I have never felt so much appreciation for a group of people.

And I think that’s what it comes down to. They make me feel safe. They make me feel human. They make me feel happy. And I couldn’t be more thankful for it.

I wish I could tell them that the special place I’d carve out for them, would be in my heart. Cheesy as it is, but I need them so much and they are there for me. They’re amazing.

Day 21

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