Day Twenty Four.
“When you are angry or upset (with yourself or others) try to respond lovingly and see how it changes the situation. Be compassionate towards yourself”.
Right now I am trying to get my little man to sleep. We are both frustrated. He needs a nap. He doesn’t want a nap. I want him to nap. I want to nap. And it’s difficult to not get frustrated with him about it. Even though I’ve been rocking him for what seems like days, I must carry on until it works. And eventually it does.
It’s not his fault. He wants to stay awake and play. He fights it so hard. And however much I get annoyed, frustrated, or angry, I can’t let him see that. He loves me. He depends on me. I must show him that constantly. And I want to show him that.
Once he’s asleep, then I can vent my frustration. Kick a pillow. Throw an invisible plate against the wall. Sit down and have a bit of a cry.
Because I do know that I’m doing a good job. A great job in fact. And I love my little man more than anything in the world. So why on earth would I show my frustration to him? I’m allowed to have these little moments, because it is difficult and I can’t always win. But I try my best. And trying my best works.
There has been times where my frustration has taken over, and it does make a difference . My little man can tell. It then takes longer for him to settle. Takes longer for him to get comfortable. Because I’m not comfortable. It’s just not fair, for either of us.
So the continuous rocking, the repetition of The Lion King soundtrack, the soft cuddles and kisses on the forehead make him comfortable. How ever long it takes. And as I’ve said before , it will happen eventually. I know he’ll go down eventually.
I show I love him as much as I possibly can. Sometimes that gets frustrating because I want to give him as much love as I can and I think I might actually burst.
But I think the main thing is, is however hard things get, I never show my anger. I hide it until I forget it’s there. And most of the time, when a cheeky smile looks up at me, the anger/frustration whatever negativity I’m feeling, is instantly lost.