Day Thirty .
“Watch what you say to, and about, other people. Don’t buy into gossiping and bullying. Create a loving atmosphere around yourself. Let love shine through”.
I’m not very confident about taking about my PND or my anxiety as I get embarrassed. I get embarrassed because I’m afraid. I’m afraid of what other people will think of me. Of what they will say to other people about me. So I tend to keep very private about what’s going on in my head. I try to stay strong in front of others to, I guess, prove to myself that everything is OK. So there won’t be any gossiping. And I expect there actually isn’t any gossiping but I just can’t and won’t believe that.
I’m not one for bullying. Never have , and never will. Bullys are weak people and it’s sad. So I have stayed well clear of all of that.
But I guess I kind of bully myself. And as I keep so quiet about everything , it builds up and I begin to doubt myself. Why do I do that? Am I really that sad? Am I that stupid? I argue with myself. Should I have been that bit braver ? No. Because I’m not brave. I’m weak.
This past year has been a huge struggle. A struggle that I have tried to be strong. A struggle that I am proud to say that I’m nearly overcoming . But I still can’t help but think about everything. And wonder why I do the things I do, or don’t do for that matter.
So I am very careful about what I say and who I say what to. Because I want to beat this and I can’t let my anxiety take over and think about who’s saying what about me and why. And that’s why I keep quiet.
I’m my own battle.
It’s a never ending cycle I suppose . But one where I can actually , finally see the end.
I must be stronger and try not to worry if people do gossip. I have a mental illness and that’s OK. I should be able to speak about it. Because it actually helps. And the people who I talk to, I know won’t gossip, who won’t joke that I’m flakey , and a little unhinged, who I know that have my back.
And I’m happier most when I’m with these people because I love them, and they love me. And they’re the people that are helping me get better.