Being Truthful

A few days ago I made a social media post about my progress. It had been a year since I went public with my PND. A few days ago I felt good. A few days ago I felt positive.

The day after I posted , I broke.

Was I really kidding myself that I was better?

I have tried so hard this past year to feel more like me again. Maybe I pushed myself too far. Maybe I’m not cut out to be Mrs positivity .

Am I lying to myself?

Am I lying to everyone?

I feel broken. I feel hurt. I feel exhausted.

It’s got to the point that I can’t leave the house. Even the thought of it absolutely scares the life out of me.

I have been off work now for three days. Have I ruined any chance I have to progress? I can’t help but worry about every little thing that is happening to me. It affects everything. Everything.

Will I feel normal ever again?

Will I be happy ever again?

Will my partner still love me?

Will my son still love me?

I could go on and on with questions. All these questions battle in my head and it’s draining. I’m tying to fight them all and it’s making me believe I am failing.

I am failing as a person.

A partner.

A Mum.

I tried meditating while I had a bath on the first day. It confused me. What should I be feeling while this is going on? I had to close my eyes. Why? How long does this last? Even meditation makes me anxious.

I don’t think I am ever going to beat this.

I can honestly admit that when I did write my yearly post, that I was in fact feeling better. I was more positive. I tried hard to get this far. But was I actually covering up again?

I do believe that I won’t feel like this forever. But I just don’t know when it’ll end. And that frightens me.

My son does make me smile on a daily basis. He fills my world with love. But, I am exhausted with trying to keep up. I do not in any way, want to let my son or my partner down. And I think it’s that pressure that I’ve put on myself that I’ve spiralled out of control again.

I try hard at work. In fact , I try very fucking hard at work . As I don’t want to fail. I don’t want to let my team down. I don’t want to let anyone down. And again, I push myself too far.

I need to learn how to relax.

To calm down.

To take things easy.

To love life again.

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