A few days ago I made a social media post about my progress. It had been a year since I went public with my PND. A few days ago I felt good. A few days ago I felt positive.
The day after I posted , I broke.
Was I really kidding myself that I was better?
I have tried so hard this past year to feel more like me again. Maybe I pushed myself too far. Maybe I’m not cut out to be Mrs positivity .
Am I lying to myself?
Am I lying to everyone?
I feel broken. I feel hurt. I feel exhausted.
It’s got to the point that I can’t leave the house. Even the thought of it absolutely scares the life out of me.
I have been off work now for three days. Have I ruined any chance I have to progress? I can’t help but worry about every little thing that is happening to me. It affects everything. Everything.
Will I feel normal ever again?
Will I be happy ever again?
Will my partner still love me?
Will my son still love me?
I could go on and on with questions. All these questions battle in my head and it’s draining. I’m tying to fight them all and it’s making me believe I am failing.
I am failing as a person.
I tried meditating while I had a bath on the first day. It confused me. What should I be feeling while this is going on? I had to close my eyes. Why? How long does this last? Even meditation makes me anxious.
I don’t think I am ever going to beat this.
I can honestly admit that when I did write my yearly post, that I was in fact feeling better. I was more positive. I tried hard to get this far. But was I actually covering up again?
I do believe that I won’t feel like this forever. But I just don’t know when it’ll end. And that frightens me.
My son does make me smile on a daily basis. He fills my world with love. But, I am exhausted with trying to keep up. I do not in any way, want to let my son or my partner down. And I think it’s that pressure that I’ve put on myself that I’ve spiralled out of control again.
I try hard at work. In fact , I try very fucking hard at work . As I don’t want to fail. I don’t want to let my team down. I don’t want to let anyone down. And again, I push myself too far.
I need to learn how to relax.
To calm down.
To take things easy.
To love life again.