I haven’t written in a while. And I guess that’s because I haven’t been sure on what to say.
I’ve been back at work , full time, for six months now. And it’s great. But it’s hard. It’s so hard.
I absolutely love my job. And I always want to do my best. I want to be best. I want to work hard to provide for my family. And with that, it comes with a price.
There are some days where I see my little man for only half an hour, an hour tops. I leave at 8 and get back at 7. I miss breakfast and bedtime.
I have one day a week where I get to spend the entire day with him. One day. One day where I should devote the entire day to him. But I don’t.
I have one day a week to do housework. To visit friends . To visit family. He doesn’t get me all to himself. And I don’t get him all to myself.
And I feel awful about that.
I feel awful if I leave chores. I feel awful if I don’t get to visit friends. To visit family. To get a load of washing on. To hoover. To play fire stations or truck races.
How can I give it 100% to him when I need to fulfil my role at home life too?
I wish I had more time with him. I miss him every single day I’m at work. I miss him every single minute I’m late back. I miss him every time i choose to meet a friend after work.
But where does the balance start where it’s all acceptable?
My anxiety makes this a lot worse . I get anxious that I don’t see him enough. I get anxious that I need to succeed at work but can’t if I have to stay home.
It’s never ending . And I feel like I can’t win.
The time I spend with my little solider is undoubtedly the best time I ever have. And he comes with me wherever we go on my day off and he absolutely has the best time. He loves going outside, he loves meeting new people , he loves seeing friends and family , and most importantly , he loves being happy.
Being back at work hasn’t changed who he is. And I wouldn’t change that for the world . I have the most happiest son I could ever have asked for. And yeah, I work a hell of a lot. And yeah, we have busy days when we’re together. But, on that very rare occasion where we have a whole day just two of us, it’s fucking brilliant . And I absolutely love the fact we get that.
Yes mummy works full time. But mummy is bloody great at being a mummy.
And we have the best time ever.