It’s been a year since I last wrote ! A whole year! And it only seems like a week.
Every minute , every hour , every single day is passing by like a blur . Why can’t it just slow down for just one moment ?!
Noo is now talking. Well, I say talking.. he knows words and words that only my partner and I can understand but he’s getting there . And counting to ten! How did that happen? Why isn’t he struggling to roll back over onto his front like a turtle in distress anymore?
I’ve taken on a lot at work. I’ve gone back full time and in the past year , I’ve gone from managing one store to three. To starting an NVQ and taking on a degree . I’m beginning to realise that I do a lot outside of home . A LOT. And it has taken its toll on my home life. I want to succeed for my family and ultimately I want to succeed for myself.
My anxiety makes me nervous. It also makes me a perfectionist . And it’s a fucking nightmare. I can’t be great at my job and be a great mum , a great partner , a great friend , all at the same time. And it’s difficult to make that balance .
Noo under no doubt has the most happiest life. We have been so truly blessed with who he has become to be. And I take advantage of that. I take advantage of the fact that he’ll be happy wherever he is. I’ll go to work on my days off. I’ll work extra hours. I’ll work a 60 hour week without a second thought. Because I know he’ll be ok.
But am I ?
It’s really difficult for me to work with the struggles I face with daily . I want to be the best for everyone. And the majority of the time I know I’m not.
Noo needs me to be happy. To be confident in my life balance . And at the moment I’m struggling to find what that is.
I miss him.
His little nods. His giggle. When he farts and thinks it’s hilarious . When he just wants a cuddle. When he argues when a van is a bus when it is actually a van. When he says thank you. Says thank you to everyone and anyone . When I mention we might go out and he brings me my shoes , daddy’s shoes , his shoes and his backpack and we’re not actually going out for another 4 hours , when he recites the alphabet with only 2 letters, when he asks to go in mummy and daddy’s bed , when he snores .
That makes me happy . Noo makes me happy. Knowing noo is happy , makes me happy. Watching him grow makes me happy.
I work a lot yes. I study a lot yes. But I also play as much as I can . I teach as much as I can. When he stays at grandmas , I call him as much as I can. Because being a good mum is being happy . Being a good mum because your baby is happy. And noo is still my baby . He will always be my baby and I will always do my absolute best to keep him happy. Even if that means giving in and saying a van is a bus.