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Day Fifteen

Day Fifteen.

“Let yourself be creative and don’t sabotage yourself by thinking that whatever you’re doing is not good enough. We’re all artists at heart. Find your mojo”.

I definitely lost my mojo as soon as I found out I was pregnant. Everything changed. Everything. I worried about anything and everything , you know, just in case. I was a different person. I had to stop my lifestyle immediately. I became boring.

I became boring because I was worried. I didn’t know what was going on inside me and I didn’t want to jeopardise anything. When I started my leave, I stayed in. All the time.  Because I didn’t know. It was all new to me. I had created something, but I didn’t know what yet. I wanted to keep them safe in their little bubble before it was their time to come out.

I have written before about feeling not good enough. Not knowing if I am raising my little one the correct way, not following the same patterns as Google tells me to do. And as I have said before, the way I raise my son, is my way. If he is happy then I am doing a good job.

Sometimes though, it can feel as though I am not doing a good job. I had a bad night last night where my little one didn’t settle and I therefore did not get a good nights sleep. Why wasn’t he settling? Had I missed something when putting him to sleep? Was his routine not right? I just didn’t know. And it is a sense of failure, and I do doubt myself on many occasions. I don’t know what I am doing. Still. Having a baby is hard. It’s a huge life change and it’s not easy.

I am still finding myself googling into the middle of night. Getting more and more confused with so many different answers to the same question and going cross eyed.

I created this human. He is a part of me and a part of my other half. We both had the mojo to make such a beautiful baby. A healthy baby. A happy baby.

There’s always the worry in the back of my mind that I’m doing something wrong. I make a conscious effort to make my baby smile every second of every day. I enjoy making him smile. He makes me smile. He makes me forget the bad days. There is no way I can look at him and feel sad. He is amazing. My partner and I made him. We are amazing.

I know my mojo is still there. And there are times where it does make an appearance. My good days are really good, and I forget all about the bad. It just takes one thing. One small thing to trigger my downfall and that’s when my mojo disappears.

I don’t want to be that boring pregnant lady anymore. I want to move on in my new life with my baby and my partner and be happy. Because I can be, and I will be. I will get my mojo back, and I will enjoy the time trying to find it, and to keep it. Because if I can create something so wonderful, what else can I do?

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Day Fourteen

Day Fourteen.

“Know that you have the right to change your mind and you have the right to say no. Don’t feel guilty about it. Ever. Always stand up for and look after yourself”.

I feel bad when I say no. I feel bad when I say yes and I actually want to say no. I am not confident to say no. After a night of no sleep, being asked to go out, yes. After a day of feeling like I want to crawl into a dark hole and live there, being asked to meet up, yes. After not knowing anything about anything anymore, being asked to do something, yes.

I don’t like letting people down. In fact, I hate it. I would rather meet up feeling the way I do than cancelling and saying no. I’d do anything for my friends and family, regardless of any situation. And, it is hard to say no. So hard. But the more times I say yes, the more tired and anxious I become. If I were to say no I would have a meltdown. What would they think of me if I said no? Would it be ok if I said no? I can’t risk finding out, so I don’t. I make myself a yes person.

It’s the same when it comes to the baby. Can you take him? Yes. Can you feed him? Yes. Can you put him to sleep? Yes. Sometimes I want to say no. Sometimes I have had enough. Sometimes I just want to be a human again for five minutes. But I cant. I can never say no. My baby needs me to be a yes person. But being a yes person is just too much hard work. I can’t be a yes person forever can I?

I hate even thinking about saying no, especially when it’s about my little one. I feel like I need to pretend being a yes person is for the best. But is it really? Is being a yes person good for me? Is being a yes person good for him?

I am finding this hard to try and figure out what can be best for everyone. What I need to do to make it all OK. And I do feel guilty when I say no. when my partner asks if I can take the little man and I say no, I feel like I want to hit myself. Why am I saying no? Why don’t I want to take him?

So many questions as to why saying no would be better than being a yes person.

Being a yes person can be rewarding, it can be positive, it can help. But it can also be draining, especially when suffering with depression. It’s too much extra stress that I don’t need. Saying no is OK. Saying yes all the time and suffering in silence about it, isn’t.

This is something I will need to work on, it won’t happen overnight. I need to be honest about this. And I don’t need to beat myself up over it.

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Day Thirteen

Day Thirteen.

“Nurture your dreams, even if they don’t seem possible right now, don’t give up on them. It doesn’t mean they won’t ever happen”.

Right now, it really feels like there isn’t ever going to be an end to how my life is, and how I am feeling, however I wouldn’t change anything at all with my little one.

I’m a great believer in everything happens for a reason. But sometimes I wonder what I have done wrong to feel the way I do. Did I miss something during my pregnancy? Did I not follow the first time mum guidelines correctly? Why? Why me? And because of this, it really is hard to see an end.

I’ve been working really hard on my days of self love, and I have been incorporating them into my life. I’ve been more confident in admitting how I am feeling, which makes things slightly easier, but also at the same time, quite a bit harder. It is definitely a circle of emotions every single day.

Obviously my main dream here is to be happy. To be an amazing Mum to my son. To be the girl my partner fell in love with. But it’s baby steps. I can’t do everything at once. It’s a very long, slow process. However, I am not going to give up on this. It’s not just about me, it’s about my family. My little family that I was so excited to start.

Some days I do feel like I’ve failed my partner in how I am feeling. And it is so difficult to try and explain why I am feeling I am. Sometimes I don’t even know why. Sometimes I just don’t tell him. Sometimes I busy myself so I don’t have to think about it. It’s so stressful. I stress myself out more by worrying what he is going to think of me. Will he get it? Will he understand? Will he still love me? These things go around and around in my head on a day to day basis, and sometimes it feels like they will never go away.

I am trying to persevere. Most days I am soldiering on. Ignoring the little niggles I have. I have to be positive. I know I won’t feel like this forever. It’s just hard trying to actually convince myself that.

When I look at my little boy, I can see the light. He is a very healthy and incredibly happy boy. That is something I should be proud of. My partner and I have done that.

And that’s the dream which I will never give up on. Raising my boy.

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Day Twelve

Day Twelve.

“Acknowledge your efforts. See that you have done your best. Even if you have failed to produce the right results, you’re still trying. That’s beautiful”.

I haven’t written for a few days as I have not been feeling great. I have good days and bad days, and I’ve had a couple of the bad ones. It’s hard to try and write when everything is feeling so negative. But, I should be writing as this the whole point of getting myself better. I will try. I will try my best.

This is a difficult one to talk about. What efforts do I need to acknowledge? Have I done my best?

It’s been really tricky the past couple of days as it’s been so hot and my little man has not been coping through it at all. It’s been tough to try and soothe him, keep him cool and try to get him to sleep. The poor little mite gets to sleep then is so uncomfortable that he wakes straight back up again. I’ve tried everything from opening all of the windows, giving him cold milk and even laying him on a cool mat. But he still struggles to settle. This is heart breaking as I don’t know what to do. At all.

It makes me so sad seeing him in so much discomfort. I’ve been reading everything on how to cool your baby and tried everything. I’ve been trying to keep him happy so at least he doesn’t have a meltdown and get even hotter.  I can’t even take him outside as it’s just so hot. So we both have cabin fever.

I’m just as hot and just as miserable.

Luckily he is having a nap now. Every window and door is opened and that seems to be working.

When the little man came home, it was wonderful. We were all living in our own little bubble. We were happy. When he started getting bigger, opening his eyes for longer, staying awake for longer, it became tough. I dreaded every night when we went to bed. I knew I would not be sleeping. At all. Would I ever sleep again? But, waking up every hour to look after him was what he wanted. Everything I did was for what he wanted or needed. If I didn’t do it, who would? He relies on me to give him life.

It started to take its toll when one night I only had an hours sleep and I felt that I couldn’t do it. Mentally and physically I was drained. Now I had to spend the day entertaining him, as well as doing the cleaning, washing up and the laundry that hadn’t been done for a week. I couldn’t cope. What was I supposed to do? How can I do everything? There just isn’t enough time in the day.

I love my son. I love every day I get to have with him. He doesn’t understand that when he doesn’t have his nap, I go a bit crazy. Because he shouldn’t have to. I’m here to look after him, to care for him. Whatever I’m feeling, he comes first. He will always come first. And I know he loves everything I do for him, whatever that is.

He is nearly 18 weeks old now and I am still learning with him. There are songs he likes and songs he cries at. I am starting to understand the different cries he makes to what he wants.

If he won’t nap, it’s OK. He will eventually. Housework can wait. If I get to spend more time with my son, he will be happy and that’s what I need to keep telling myself. He’s happy because of me, because of what I do for him and what we do together.

I am doing my best to be the best mum for him, to give him the best life, to make him happy.

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Day Eleven

Day Eleven.

“Stay away from people who add nothing but drama to your life. Send them on their way. You’ll be happier for it. Don’t put up with other people’s shit”.

It’s been really difficult to be honest about my depression. It’s been really difficult being honest with my friends. It’s been really difficult realising who my friends actually are.

I’ve written before about I find it hard to come to terms with people cancelling on me. It’s definitely an anxiety issue, but I’ve seen it happen more and more since having a baby. It must be difficult for people who invite me out, and I now come with a little human who needs constant entertaining. Needs my attention a lot more than I will give my friend.

My friends don’t care I’m now a mum. My friends will invite me out because they want to see my baby. They want to ask how I am. They are interested. These people I know I will have in my life for a very long time. These were the people who I opened up to as soon as I felt strong enough. Because I know they wont judge me. They won’t act as if nothing has happened and talk about something completely irrelevant to either of our lives. They care.

It’s definitely not one of those things where I want to constantly talk about my life, my life with a baby, my life with depression. Because I want to know about their world too. And they know when to ask and when to not. They’re considerate.

And it is hard to stay positive all the time and I do have to cancel now and again when I am having a particularly bad day. But they make sure that we re-arrange. They will want to re-arrange.

I can understand why people drift when babies get involved. It’s really hard to maintain a relationship with someone who before all you did was drink wine and go dancing. Now there is nothing in common. So why would they want to meet up with me? What on earth do I have to talk about that interests them? It’s too stressful when it’s not easy. I have to tell myself that friendships don’t always last forever, however much I try and keep them going.

What I have learnt is that if they want to meet me, then they will. If they don’t, they won’t. I do not have the mental strength to chase after people that aren’t bothered. I’m trying to get better. I’m trying to be happy. Why would I waste my energy on people that don’t obviously matter?

It’s so difficult , but I have to really think about if I need these sort of people in my life. Does my son want me to have relationships that leave me in tears each week there is a cancellation. It’s not fair.

I’ve basically got to grow up and cut them out. They are not worth it.

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Day Ten

Day Ten.

“Look at all of the little things in your life that you have to be thankful for. Don’t take them for granted but appreciate them with your whole heart”.

The little thing in my life that I am thankful for is my son.

My partner and I had planned to have a baby last Spring and luckily for us, we got pregnant pretty much straight away. The first trimester breezed by, I didn’t have any morning sickness or any other symptoms so I was feeling really good. Then I started getting fat. From then on, I was so miserable and I hated being pregnant. I hated the fact I couldn’t see my feet. I hated that nothing fitted properly. I hated having five chins. But, I loved the little man growing healthily inside and that I was appreciative for.

My heart melted every time he had hiccups, which was every night around the time I wanted to sleep. I loved feeling him move and kick and was starting to get really excited when I was ready to burst.

When my waters broke, I freaked out. This baby was actually coming. There was no feeling other than petrified. Oh and it was painful, very painful.

At 3.19pm on Friday 17th Feb 2017, my 5lb 12 bundle of love came into the world. And I have never, ever felt so much love. He was just perfect.

Obviously the first few weeks were tough. My partner was on his paternity leave so we were working together to work out how to bring up this tiny human. And it was amazing. I had my little family and it was incredible. I couldn’t stop looking at my little man. We had so many visitors which was overwhelming but the love they had for our little one was so great to see. We had definitely made the perfect baby boy.

He is hard work. But I knew this. I try so hard every day to make him happy, I try so hard to look after him and keep him safe. I try so hard to not break down when he has a screaming fit, or to walk away. Having my son isn’t a job. It’s my life and I am so grateful that he is now a part of it. I love him so much. And that’s why I try for him every day to be the best for him. He deserves to have the best life ever because my partner and I wouldn’t be who we are without him.

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Day Nine

Day Nine.

“Don’t try to change so that someone else will love you. Change and transform so that you may be more in love with yourself. Those changes matter”.

So I haven’t posted in a couple of days, and today’s title means a lot as to what happened on Friday.

A while ago, a man posted some comments about me breastfeeding in a pub while having a glass of wine, on Mother’s Day. My first Mother’s Day. He really went to town on me, and his post went viral. It really upset me, and made me even reconsider breastfeeding not just in public, but at all.

So, on Friday evening, this man was in the same pub as we were. As we were leaving, I stopped dead and stared at him. I didn’t know what to do. Do I go up and say something? Do I shout at him? I was lost and it stressed me out big time. I couldn’t stop thinking about seeing him, and then I revisited the post and upset myself even more. But why was this man doing this to me? It’s been three months since he posted those comments but I still let it affect me.

I don’t breastfeed at all anymore. Not because of what he said. Because I physically cant. But I feel if he were to see me bottle feed my baby while out, he would think that he’s won. He’s beaten me down. I can’t help but feeling like this, and in all honesty, I will probably feel like this every time I see him.  I was a new mum and he slated me. Slated me so bad that it even got on the TV.

I wanted to be able to carry on breastfeeding. I wanted to be able to provide what my son needs. I wanted to show that man that he hasn’t broken me.

I stopped breastfeeding because it was best for both me and my son. I still provide for my son as he gets fed, he probably gets fed much more than he did before. That man hasn’t broken me. He has embarrassed himself.

But it is so hard to not feel like crap when someone says something so horrible about the way you are raising your child. But why should I feel like I should change the way I feed my son just for him? He’s not the King. To me, my son is . And I will carry on with what makes my son and myself happy. He loves having a bottle, he loves that both his mum and dad can feed him. We are all so much happier now, I am so much less stressed about feeding him.

I did feel sad when I gave him the boob for the final time. But it just didn’t work out for us. Sometimes it doesn’t. But we are OK with that, and it works.

Any changes we make, we do because it’s what works for us. It’s what works for me, my partner and my son. We are a team and we love what we do for our family, whatever it is. If I have to dance around and rap to make my son smile I will. Wherever we are. Who’s to judge?

No one.