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Day Nineteen

Day Nineteen.

“Look at your life. Is there a way that you aren’t respecting yourself, your wants, or your needs? Now is the time to choose to honour those things. Go for it lovely”.

I can’t deny that my life is pretty good right now. My little man has made it. I have my little family. And our family is just perfect. However, some days I can’t help but feel that I could be better. I try so hard to make sure that my little man is happy that I forget to try and make myself happy. Obviously he makes me so, so happy but the days just stress me out. Anything can trigger it. Not putting a wash on. Or putting a wash on and forgetting to get it out again. Mundane things are stressful. And I feel so bad when I haven’t done anything. Therefore, I feel like I am a bit useless.

Being a Mum is hard work. Even five months on, I am still finding things difficult. My little man is becoming such a character, a cheeky chap and I enjoy the days when we have so much fun together. But it is incredibly tiring. As soon as 7pm comes, I can not wait to sit down. Have a wee by myself. Have a bath. And I still feel bad doing that!

My partner is a great support. He can see when I need some me time and tries to make me take some. But, I don’t want to take it because I don’t want to have time by myself and over think things. It is never ending. And if I do, I am up hoovering, dusting, washing. I won’t actually take a break.

But, it is great when I do let my hair down and I don’t worry about home. I don’t think about what I should be doing at home. I don’t think about the washing that I have had to wash for the third time. But is that OK? Should I be going out? Should I be forgetting home? It’s like catch 22. I need to realise I do need this time for myself so I can feel like a human again. And I shouldn’t feel bad when I want to go out. Even if it’s just for an hour. I need to still be me.

I have tried to arrange days out with friends or family so we are kept busy. And that’s great. When we have days at home, I do sometimes feel at a bit of a loss. How can I keep this little human entertained all day without going insane? And that is exactly why I need to have me time.

My little man needs me to want to entertain him. To keep him happy. To help him grow. To help him learn. And how can I do that when I don’t have a clear head? I just need to keep telling myself that it is OK to do things without my baby. I need that time. It’s OK to have a break. And when I come home? My baby will be there waiting for me to give him a cuddle. Because he would have missed me just as much as I would have missed him.

AMY BLOG 19..

 

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Day Eighteen

Day Eighteen.

“Wear something today that makes you feel confident and sexy. If you don’t have something, buy something. Even if it’s a pair of panties that no one else sees but you”.

Today I wore a green dress, with white flowers that came down to my knees and was quite tight. I have had this dress for a couple of years and I love it. Obviously I haven’t worn it for a while as it is quite figure hugging and I haven’t had the confidence to be seen in it. But, today I made myself wear it. And I went outside.

To be honest, I was quite nervous about wearing it out in public. I mean I still have wobbles that weren’t there before. I was trying my best to stand tall, hold my tummy in, cover my middle. But do you know what? No one looked. No one said anything. No one judged.

Why am I so self-conscious about the way that I look? The last post was about seeing my reflection and I wrote about seeing a confident mum. I need to be confident about how I look. I mean, I’m stuck with how I look so I should be happy about it.

Wearing this dress today was daunting, but I realised that it was OK. How I look is OK. It doesn’t matter what I wear, how I wear it, as long as I am happy.

I still have clothes that I am working towards fitting back in to. But there is no rush. I don’t hate the way I look, I think I am worried about how I look because I am not used to it. And it’s that I need to overcome.

My body changed because I had a baby. I made a life. I didn’t decide to be lazy or change any routine. I made a home. My body did amazing things and I really should be proud of it.

My partner tries to reassure me every day and I still don’t believe what he says.

But, after today, after that dress, I am starting to. I wore it all day. And I was happy.

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Day Seventeen

Day Seventeen.

“Look at yourself in the mirror. See through new eyes. Let go of judgements. Love what you see. Admire every part of your gorgeous body. It’s fucking beautiful”.

I’ve been putting off writing this for a few days as I can’t think of anything positive that I want to say when looking at my reflection.

My body has changed so much since having a baby. From my face to my toes. And I have found it a massive struggle to come to terms with. I can’t see why it’s beautiful. I don’t know why. I don’t know what I can do to see that it is.

I don’t take compliments well. My partner always assures me that I look beautiful. After every outfit change, after slapping on a ton of makeup, after having a wash, even first thing in the morning. But I don’t see it. I can’t see it.

Everything has changed. Everything.

It’s hard to look at myself and see something beautiful. At the moment I hate what I see. I still have some baby weight left which kills me. I have managed to squeeze into my pre-prego jeans, but with a muffin top, and lets be honest, no one wants to see that. I pinch my fat all day long. I wiggle in front of the mirror. I constantly need some reassurance but I know that whatever I’m wearing is not OK. I am always changing what I am wearing. You can see my tummy. My jeans are too tight. I’m looking like I’ve tried too hard. It’s stressful.

When I’m off on a night out, the whole day I am anxious. How can I go out with people who are so damn good looking? I can’t be in photos. I look like a joke. I’m tired. However much makeup I put on, you can still see the bags under my eyes, the stress lines, the dull eyes.

There are so many things that I want to change. I want to feel like myself again.

I have joined a yoga class with a friend, I am starting the gym with another, I am trying to eat healthier. Not only do I want to look good again, I want to feel good again.

I know that it is going to take time. It is going to take time to get my body back. It is going to take time to feel like myself again. It is going to take time to be more confident. And I have to understand that. Nothing happens as quick as a click of the fingers.

I have had a baby.

Having a baby is an amazing thing. My body had to look after him. My body had to change to make sure he was growing as well as he could do. All my stretch marks, the extra bit of fat, the gap in my teeth, is all because my body was giving my baby what he needed. My body has done amazing, incredible things and that’s what I have to show for it. How I look is because I have made something beautiful . Each stretch mark is beautiful. Each pinch of fat is beautiful. Because without them, I wouldn’t have made him as perfect as he is.

I look in the mirror and I see a mum. Someone who is strong. Someone who despite the lack of sleep, keeps going. Someone who will make sure their little one is safe. Someone who whatever the feeling, gives the little man smiles.

I don’t think you can get more fucking beautiful than that.

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Day Sixteen

Day Sixteen.

“Write yourself a love letter. A real one. Compliment yourself every day. Take yourself out. Have a love affair with yourself. Fall madly and deeply in love”.

Dear Amy,

I understand that at the moment that you’re not feeling yourself. That you’re finding some days harder than others. That some days that you don’t understand why you’re feeling the way you do. Why some days all you want to do is stay inside and not see or speak to anyone. And I want you to know that, that is OK. It’s OK to feel down some days. You’re going through a really tough time, it’s a huge change having a baby. It’s a huge change to your life. To your partner’s life. And I get why things are hard to adjust to.

I want you to see that everyone close to you understands, and you don’t have to pretend. You can be honest. Please don’t be afraid to say exactly how you’re feeling. They won’t judge you. No one will judge you, and you really need to realise that. You know that what you’re doing is right. You don’t need to worry what others think. Your little one is happy, so you know you’re doing something right. And when he’s happy, you’re happy and surely that’s the best feeling ever right?

I want you to know that you are doing great. Your little boy is amazing. He is healthy. He is happy. He is growing into such a little character to which you should take credit for. You and your partner have made an incredible little human and you must be so proud of yourself.

It is such a beautiful thing being a mum. I mean, look what you have done! You made that little man. You gave him a home and looked after him until he came into this world.

You are a beautiful person. You love your family and friends dearly and that is such an amazing thing. And they know this, and you must know that they all feel exactly the same thing about you to.

You’re going to have bad days, but remember that you have so many people around you that care for you and will do anything for you.

Please try and remember that you can do this. You can get through this hard time. You can be who you want to be.

But, please have faith in yourself. Have confidence in in yourself. Your little man loves you so much. Your partner loves you so much. I know that you know deep down how amazing you’ve been. How amazing you are.

You just need to believe it.

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Day Fifteen

Day Fifteen.

“Let yourself be creative and don’t sabotage yourself by thinking that whatever you’re doing is not good enough. We’re all artists at heart. Find your mojo”.

I definitely lost my mojo as soon as I found out I was pregnant. Everything changed. Everything. I worried about anything and everything , you know, just in case. I was a different person. I had to stop my lifestyle immediately. I became boring.

I became boring because I was worried. I didn’t know what was going on inside me and I didn’t want to jeopardise anything. When I started my leave, I stayed in. All the time.  Because I didn’t know. It was all new to me. I had created something, but I didn’t know what yet. I wanted to keep them safe in their little bubble before it was their time to come out.

I have written before about feeling not good enough. Not knowing if I am raising my little one the correct way, not following the same patterns as Google tells me to do. And as I have said before, the way I raise my son, is my way. If he is happy then I am doing a good job.

Sometimes though, it can feel as though I am not doing a good job. I had a bad night last night where my little one didn’t settle and I therefore did not get a good nights sleep. Why wasn’t he settling? Had I missed something when putting him to sleep? Was his routine not right? I just didn’t know. And it is a sense of failure, and I do doubt myself on many occasions. I don’t know what I am doing. Still. Having a baby is hard. It’s a huge life change and it’s not easy.

I am still finding myself googling into the middle of night. Getting more and more confused with so many different answers to the same question and going cross eyed.

I created this human. He is a part of me and a part of my other half. We both had the mojo to make such a beautiful baby. A healthy baby. A happy baby.

There’s always the worry in the back of my mind that I’m doing something wrong. I make a conscious effort to make my baby smile every second of every day. I enjoy making him smile. He makes me smile. He makes me forget the bad days. There is no way I can look at him and feel sad. He is amazing. My partner and I made him. We are amazing.

I know my mojo is still there. And there are times where it does make an appearance. My good days are really good, and I forget all about the bad. It just takes one thing. One small thing to trigger my downfall and that’s when my mojo disappears.

I don’t want to be that boring pregnant lady anymore. I want to move on in my new life with my baby and my partner and be happy. Because I can be, and I will be. I will get my mojo back, and I will enjoy the time trying to find it, and to keep it. Because if I can create something so wonderful, what else can I do?

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Day Fourteen

Day Fourteen.

“Know that you have the right to change your mind and you have the right to say no. Don’t feel guilty about it. Ever. Always stand up for and look after yourself”.

I feel bad when I say no. I feel bad when I say yes and I actually want to say no. I am not confident to say no. After a night of no sleep, being asked to go out, yes. After a day of feeling like I want to crawl into a dark hole and live there, being asked to meet up, yes. After not knowing anything about anything anymore, being asked to do something, yes.

I don’t like letting people down. In fact, I hate it. I would rather meet up feeling the way I do than cancelling and saying no. I’d do anything for my friends and family, regardless of any situation. And, it is hard to say no. So hard. But the more times I say yes, the more tired and anxious I become. If I were to say no I would have a meltdown. What would they think of me if I said no? Would it be ok if I said no? I can’t risk finding out, so I don’t. I make myself a yes person.

It’s the same when it comes to the baby. Can you take him? Yes. Can you feed him? Yes. Can you put him to sleep? Yes. Sometimes I want to say no. Sometimes I have had enough. Sometimes I just want to be a human again for five minutes. But I cant. I can never say no. My baby needs me to be a yes person. But being a yes person is just too much hard work. I can’t be a yes person forever can I?

I hate even thinking about saying no, especially when it’s about my little one. I feel like I need to pretend being a yes person is for the best. But is it really? Is being a yes person good for me? Is being a yes person good for him?

I am finding this hard to try and figure out what can be best for everyone. What I need to do to make it all OK. And I do feel guilty when I say no. when my partner asks if I can take the little man and I say no, I feel like I want to hit myself. Why am I saying no? Why don’t I want to take him?

So many questions as to why saying no would be better than being a yes person.

Being a yes person can be rewarding, it can be positive, it can help. But it can also be draining, especially when suffering with depression. It’s too much extra stress that I don’t need. Saying no is OK. Saying yes all the time and suffering in silence about it, isn’t.

This is something I will need to work on, it won’t happen overnight. I need to be honest about this. And I don’t need to beat myself up over it.

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Day Thirteen

Day Thirteen.

“Nurture your dreams, even if they don’t seem possible right now, don’t give up on them. It doesn’t mean they won’t ever happen”.

Right now, it really feels like there isn’t ever going to be an end to how my life is, and how I am feeling, however I wouldn’t change anything at all with my little one.

I’m a great believer in everything happens for a reason. But sometimes I wonder what I have done wrong to feel the way I do. Did I miss something during my pregnancy? Did I not follow the first time mum guidelines correctly? Why? Why me? And because of this, it really is hard to see an end.

I’ve been working really hard on my days of self love, and I have been incorporating them into my life. I’ve been more confident in admitting how I am feeling, which makes things slightly easier, but also at the same time, quite a bit harder. It is definitely a circle of emotions every single day.

Obviously my main dream here is to be happy. To be an amazing Mum to my son. To be the girl my partner fell in love with. But it’s baby steps. I can’t do everything at once. It’s a very long, slow process. However, I am not going to give up on this. It’s not just about me, it’s about my family. My little family that I was so excited to start.

Some days I do feel like I’ve failed my partner in how I am feeling. And it is so difficult to try and explain why I am feeling I am. Sometimes I don’t even know why. Sometimes I just don’t tell him. Sometimes I busy myself so I don’t have to think about it. It’s so stressful. I stress myself out more by worrying what he is going to think of me. Will he get it? Will he understand? Will he still love me? These things go around and around in my head on a day to day basis, and sometimes it feels like they will never go away.

I am trying to persevere. Most days I am soldiering on. Ignoring the little niggles I have. I have to be positive. I know I won’t feel like this forever. It’s just hard trying to actually convince myself that.

When I look at my little boy, I can see the light. He is a very healthy and incredibly happy boy. That is something I should be proud of. My partner and I have done that.

And that’s the dream which I will never give up on. Raising my boy.